Johannesburg - So President Jacob Zuma bestowed National Orders on people who have contributed to the upliftment of South Africa and its people on Tuesday. But here are the awards we wouldn’t be caught dead handing out…
Order of Mendi for Bravery
KFC: For being brave enough to show that their secret blend of spices come from the concrete floor behind the restaurant. Not only that, but they sharpen their knives on the street to give their chicken that streetwise flavour.
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Order of Ikhamanga - For excellence in the field of arts, culture, literature, music, journalism and sport
Fikile Mbalula: The greatest Minister of Sport and Recreation got himself in The Washington Post for using Barack Obama and Jacob Zuma as the punch line to his jokes during the USA’s loss to South Africa in the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
South African Cricket & Rugby teams: For their commendable synchronisation as they both lost out in the semi finals of their respective World Cups to New Zealand.
Orlando Pirates: For failing to get a second star in the CAF Confederations Cup.
Bonang Matheba: For being successful in attracting the attention of hot-blooded males across all borders.
AKA and Cassper Nyovest: For finally being man enough to end their longstanding hip hop beef.
Order of the Baobab - For excellence in the fields of community service, business, economy, science, medicine and technological innovation
Eskom: For making every night a dinner by candlelight.
Sanral: For the entire e Toll debarcle which has seen much scorn heaped on them.
Riah Phiyega: For her suspension pending the outcome of an enquirey into her firness to hold office especially in the light of the scandals that have enveloped SAPS since her appointment in 2012.
Order of Luthuli - In recognition of the struggle for democracy, national building, building democracy and human rights.
Blade Nzimande: For his ashtonishing #StudentsMustFall statement in response to #FeesMustFall camaign
Controversial Pastors: For their unique take on religion that has seen them walk on churchgoers, make their followes drink petrol, eat snakes and strip to be anointed.
Mbuyiseni Ndlozi: For his outstanding contribution to nation building by stating 'I will not be monitored by a white boy'.
Julius Malema: For his offbeat manner in peomoting peace by saying, “The deviation from the Freedom Charter was the beginning of the selling out of the revolution. But why did Nelson Mandela sell out the Freedom Charter? When Mandela returned from prison, he got separated with Winnie Mandela and went to stay in a house of the rich white men... he was looked after by the Oppenheimers,” he said.”
Woolworths: For their “enslaving” contribution to the struggle for democracy by tying black mannequins for their displays.
Order of the Companions of OR Tambo - In recognition of foreign nationals for friendship shown to South Africa
Omar al-Bashir: For South Africa not arresting him as ordered by the International Criminal Court.
Donald Trump: For his unwanted opinion on the state of South Africa by tweeting that it is a dangerous mess.
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