I recently watched a YouTube video on some random subject, when the presenter stated that the language we use matters. That we should make sure that we use the correct word. We throw the acronym BDSM around with less hesitation than ever before.
If you read my column regularly you will know that I believe we learnt a lot from those Fifty Shade Books.
Not all of it accurate, not all of it well written but it certainly gave us ideas and allowed us to talk more freely about a subject that had previously been taboo.
I’ve given many talks on the lessons we received from the change, some being safe words contracts, soft and hard limits.
Good advice for everyday life, not just play. But what does the first letter in BDSM stand for and what does it really mean? It stands for Bondage.
Bondage is a noun (a naming word) and it refers to being restrained or tied up in a sexual context. The way this restraining can be done is limited only by your imagination. You can use anything. From cuffs designed specifically for the purpose, silk, ties, rope, silk rope, belts, rubber, cling film, chain, handcuffs, leather thong. The list goes on. If you look around your house and garage with tying in mind, you’ll find materials you can use.
Obviously, I would prefer you to purchase specialised equipment from the Lola Montez online store. We have gorgeous, reasonably priced kits available in a variety of different colours. The play cannot begin until you have verbal and enthusiastic consent. Without it you flirt with abuse.
There are different types of bondage.Purpose bondage, Torture bondage and Ornamental bondage. Purpose bondage is about fixing the sub (the person being tied up) quickly and expediently.
You don’t need much for this. No skill necessary nor do you need specialised bondage gear. Torture bondage is a bit more extreme. The intention is to ‘force’ the sub into an uncomfortable and often painful position. I cannot stress consent and safe words enough.
This type of bondage is used in the context of a punishment game. The tying up is part of the punishment for some infringement. Very often intercourse does not follow and does not have to be part of the game.
Let me stress it again – without consent, enthusiastically and verbally given this behaviour can be abusive. You require a great deal of trust to play here. And remember when the safe word is called, you stop immediately. Not just now or now now, but now. Ornamental Bondage can be beautiful. Its primary function is to look good and then to restrict. We often see this type of bondage in photos. Often the decorative bondage is worn to emphasise different parts of the body. It is usually rope work, with intricate knots and patterns.
At one of the Lola Montez Ladies nights, we had an ornamental bondage display. I was the model. I was tied into a body harness. It was a very simple one because I didn’t know how I was going to react, and I needed to be able to get out of it quickly if necessary.
I was surprised at the sense of comfort the harness gave me. It felt like a firm hug, and I kept it on all night. Before we started the demonstration, we discussed what could be done and what not. I actually gave written consent to protect us both from any future allegations. We had a safe word in place, if I recall correctly, it was ‘red’. We also had a pair of blunt nose scissors with us in case of emergency. The rope used was a gorgeous purple silk rope and it would have been a shame to cut it! To this day I still sell that type of rope.
While he was tying me up, he continuously checked in with me to find out how I was coping and whether the demo could continue. My partner was also around in case I panicked. Luckily none of what I feared happened and it was a very pleasant experience. I would wear one again if I was ever to attend a fetish party.
If bondage does pique your interest, there are courses you can attend to teach basic techniques. If you’d like more information, you can email me. Details available on the website lolamontez.co.za
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